Once Upon A Pirate

Once upon a time a pirate wanted to rule over the seas.

One day while drunk driving his boat, he sailed right into a lighthouse. The light felt strangely attractive he told to the other pirates. His credibility as a pirate was ruined. Since the accident, the pirate was afraid of water. He almost drown because he didn't knew how to swim. Some laugh at him because he didn't knew how to swim and some laugh calling him a sissy. There weren't so nice with him. Being a pirate was after all mainly about pride... and treasures... and fights... and treasures... and drinking... and well... treasures. The pirate had broken his ship, lost all his treasures and most of all, his pride.

Sitting at a pirate bar, an old waitress tells him he must drink or leave. The pirate explain her the story and that he can't even afford a beer. Everybody laugh at him. The waitress whispers to his ear that she would trade him a beer for sex. As much as the pirate is disgusted at the old lady, he is pretty sure a beer will help him to get on the right track to become a proud pirate again. The next morning he wakes up and realise he stills in the old lady's bed. He shouts, the old lady wakes up and almost make a heart attack. He thinks about how he feels and he still don't feel like a pirate. The old lady tell him he actually never drank the beer, he fainted as soon as he saw it. While getting dressed, he ask to the old lady if they did it. She answers: "No but it's not too late!" and winks. The pirate is disgusted and run away.   

The pirate realise that he must get rid of his fear of water. He put his swimsuit and go to the beach. He stretch himself, get focus and starts running to the water. As he approach the water, he changes his mind and start running away. A wave touch his feet. At first, he shout in fear but slowly realise he is still alive and in one piece. He gets in the water up to his knee and have a hard time going further. A other wave hit him and without further notice, he is now in deep water and panicking. He starts sinking in the water and a wave push him back on the beach. After regaining consciousness, he looks at the sea and shouts: I don't trust you anymore! You, sea of a bitch!

With the pirate still laughing at him, not able to sleep at night and waking up too often in the old lady's bed; He decide to go at the pirate library to find a solution. He looks in every books about water, swimming and flotation systems. He try most of them but none of them works and at one point he's completely discouraged. As he shouts his rage in the library, the pirate librarian asks him to keep quiet. Taking him in pity, she ask him what he is looking for. He explain his problem and librarian whispers something to his ear. The pirate is excited and ran away in joy.

The next day, the pirate go to the pirate bar and spend the whole day eating in exchange for sex. At the end of the month, the old lady stops feeding him because he is too fat and not attractive anymore. He smiles and gets out of the bar. The pirate laugh at him but he doesn't care. Curious, they follow him to the docks where all the pirate boats are. The pirate gets naked. He is so fat now that he look like a big round ball of ham. The pirate stretch himself, gets focused and run toward the water. As he land in the water, his body creates a giant wave that breaks every pirates' boats.

Since then, there is one pirate in the history of pirates known to have rule the seas alone during one month floating through on the water because he was excessively fat.The pirate sadly died from a heart attack while being chewed by sharks. True story! (reference to Barney Stinson)

Thanks for reading!